My Time Out

I'm calling an official time out from blogging.

I knew DH and I would be waiting during the month of March...for him to get squared away with his new job before we moved ahead with adoption stuff, but I didn't realize how hard this waiting was going to be for me. Sure, I'm keeping busy with my youth group (I'm planning a big event for March 30th) and I'm running (did a 5 mile race last Saturday and have a 3 mile race tomorrow) and I'm studying for a special certification test....but when I sit still - I am seriously struggling.

I find that I put pressure on myself to come up with something to blog about...and since we are on hold, it has been getting me down. I know me. If I decide to do something, I am all about getting it done, and now that we are on hold - I think for my own sanity, I have got to do an entry that officially puts me in a time out mode. Maybe that will help my mind accept that waiting is okay. It is the stage we are at. We will get back in the game. But in the meantime, the pressure is off of me.

Of course it doesn't help that 2 years ago today is when we found out our IVF baby had no heartbeat at 6 weeks. I have been very good about not really acknowledging some of these depressing anniversaries, but today has not been such a good day for me.

Your Daddy is Sweet!

Dear future children,

I just wanted to make sure you knew just how sweet your Daddy is.

He left on Monday for 4 days to attend a corporate training session in Dallas, Texas. When Mommy got home from work on Tuesday she saw that he had sent Mommy a card in the mail. That sneaky Daddy mailed it before he left! The card was so sweet - he said he misses and loves Mommy and he thanked Mommy for supporting him in this decision to change jobs.

Mommy knew your Daddy was a big ole pot of honey when he had written down on a post it note her favorite coffee drink from Starbucks so that he could get it for her in the future without having to wake her up to ask her what it was again. Super sweet Daddy!

And I just know that he will be sweet with you. We can't wait to meet you. We really hope it is soon....but we know that we need to follow God's timing and not ours.

Go tell it on a mountain

It's interesting how communications are different between pursuing adoption and IF treatments. I get it. IF is versy personal and sometimes most times non-IFers don't get where you are coming from. But I found with adoption, I am much more open about it with others. It could be that I recognize that the more people that know...the greater the chance of hearing about a friend of a friend of a friend who can potentially be a birth mom. It could be that society views adoption in a different light than IF. It could be that I'm getting older and know that I better take things into my own hands if I want action. Anyway you put it, more and more people are hearing about our adoption path. Even DH is doing it. He told me that he mentioned it to his chiropractor last week. That surprised me (men aren't typically big on sharing information)...but it made me feel good. We are in this together and two big mouths are better than one!


I was going to end the entry here. But, I just had to add - when I shared this information last week with a group of women in my "women in construction" group and after their "good lucks" and "we're praying for you" comments, I received the dreaded comment. You know what it is. So and so's daughter couldn't have kids, so they adopted and when the baby was born - surprise - the birth mom had twins. (!) And, a few months later, so and so got pregnant and now they will have 3 kids. My response - "Wow! Good for them!" Meanwhile, I erased that from my head and got back to focusing about me and my story. I am not letting other people's good, bad, incredible, etc. news influence my own feelings and plan.

Lesson from my Dog

I have been walking Kirby, my 6 year old Beagle/Jack Russell, each morning at 6 AM since January 1st. This morning she taught me a little lesson. Let me set the scene. It is a 36 degree brisk morning, with intermittent wind gusts and we were walking down a residential street who has their garbage collection later in the day. The tree lawns are full of trash cans and recyclables waiting to be collected by the city trucks. When up ahead, a shadowy something got picked up by the wind and was blown across the street towards us. It made a thunk-thunk sound which stopped Kirby in her tracks. This mysterious object contintued to topple end over end and until it stopped on the sidewalk - directly in our path - about 3 houses away. The hair on Kirby's back stood up and she crouched lower to the ground. As we approached it, she went out from me in a arc path and ever so slowly did she approach. Kirby took cautious steps approaching this very scary, but empty box. It was just an empty diaper box. I chuckled and told her "it's a box...it's okay, nothing to be worried about". She smelled it inside and out and then we moved past to finish our walk. Here's her lesson to me. That box to her is like adoption to me. It is scary in the dark - when you don't know exactly what it is. So take it slow. Do research. Look at it from all angles. Approach it even though it might be frightening. And above all, have a friend with you who holds your hand (or leash in my case with Kirby) and encourages you along

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Adoption 101 Session Re-cap

We spent 4 hours with 40 other attendees in an Adoption 101 Session. In the end, we learned a lot about the three adoption roads(domestic, international and foster to adopt) and learned that DH and I are on the same page in some areas....and not even in the same book in another area! The adoption steps, process and costs of each type of adoption was spelled out in a way that made things easy to understand. DH took a lot of notes...and this helped him see the steps for the first time. One of the best parts of the day was an adoption panel with a set of parents that represent each of the roads. Hearing their first hand experiences, frustrations and joys really added to what we learned. One of the most important things I learned is the need to be flexible. Two of the families ended up moving after they adopted to better fit in their family with their surrounding community. One family adopted twice from Korea and the other was an infant adoption of an African American boy. Of course, they didn't intend to move when they started the adoption process, but it came as a result. And, I don't intend to move, but I think it truly shows how adoption is a life changing experience and decisions made now will affect future decisions. (More on the domestic adoption family: after they got rid of the crib because they were not planning to adopt again, they received a call from their agency - apparently their son's Birth Mom called the agency from the hospital because she just delivered another child and wanted to place that child with the sibling's adoptive family. This adoptive family had 24 hours to decide if they wanted this baby or else it would have been placed with a foster family.) The other thing I really walked away with is a new perspective on the "open" vs "closed" adoption process. One of the adoptive mothers spoke how they were set against an open adoption. Once they were selected and spoke to the Birth Mom on the phone, she became REAL to them and slowly they agreed to seeing her and then allowing visits and now she is considered as extended family. As this Mom on the panel said, it wasn't really about herself...it is more about what is best for the child. Having her child have a relationship with the Birth Mom is a decision that child needs to make and as an adoptive Mom she felt she needed to help any way she could. On the car drive home, we discussed some basics like international adoption is not for us. With our ages, various strict guidelines by country, the extended time frame for international and not getting an infant baby - we just felt that this option is not for us. It may be good for some, but we are not called to do it. We also are not going to consider foster-to-adopt. As we learned, the main focus of foster programs is to reunite the kids with their families when the families are able to take them. Makes sense. But emotionally I would not be able to handle that tug of war on a child. The addition of one child into our house would turn everything upside down, and that is fine and expected, but that child better be staying here or else I couldn't handle it. Where DH and I are not in the same book is that I am ready to select an agency or attorney so we can get started. DH is not. At least not for another 6 weeks. He begins a training program for a new job next week and he wants to get through the month of March before we start anything. That was not what I wanted to hear, but we had a good conversation about it and it does make sense. I want him to get this new job started on the right foot to build a good foundation for himself and us. And, I want us to start this adoption process on the right foot so we can make good decisions and work through it together. So, just some more waiting to do. Actually, I am putting together a spreadsheet of adoption agency information so that we can use it to help select the most appropriate agency or attorney for us. So that should keep me busy for a little while.

Pass the Baby

Maybe it is me. It could be me. My mind does work in strange and mysterious ways.

We went to a baptism this past weekend. My cousin and his wife had their first child and invited the families to attend the baptism and reception at their house afterward. This little baby girl was very cute...and very well behaved the entire day. She is 4 months old and it was the first time any of us (my Aunts, other cousins, my Dad and DH and I) have seen her. Yet, I was the only one who held her. I mean, her Dad held her almost all of the time (her mom whisked her away to feed her) but I guess I always thought that as part of meeting a new baby in the family - that baby gets passed from one person to another. Maybe because she is a little older? Maybe because her Dad stood by me like a hawk and gave me like 4 minutes with her (read: too overprotected)? Maybe because they are a couple who have lived in their house for 5 years and none of the extending family has been there for a visit (read: they keep to themselves anyway)? I just thought it odd. DH thought so too. So at least we are on the same page.

Heck, at my child's baptism....you all are invited to hold him/her! Pass the little one around - even change their diaper when necessary!! Which got me thinking. You know how when you are getting married soon and you attend a wedding before your own, you look at all the details with a critical eye? It gives you a chance to see what you like and what you want to incorporate in your own event. This baptism was like that for me. I started planning out how we would do ours....even down to serving quiche or a breakfast casserole or bagels or ??? Well, for about a few days my mind traveled many miles and although it is nice to think about "things" - I don't want to lose my focus of TODAY. Live for this moment and make the most of the present.

And for us, our present is attending our adoption 101 class tomorrow. We are looking forward to it. I hope through the overwhelming information there will be a path that we will be able to see.

It's a Process

DH recently reminded me that adoption is a process and we (meaning me) should not freak out about the process. Sometimes we will just need to accept where we are in the process and go about our business in order for the process to do what it is supposed to do.

I'm not sure how DH did this - but somehow he must have gotten inside my head to see all the wheels turning after our conference call with the adoption attorney. I have played out many scenarios in my head (all leading to fast and easy adoptions with happily ever after endings) and never once was I "waiting" in my thoughts.

I completely understand DH. Sometimes we gather information (like now) and sometimes we will be filling out paperwork and sometimes we will wait. I get it. I just am ready to keep taking each step.

The conference call went well. She's an attorney and to the point. We will probably schedule a time to see her for an extended meeting (read: pay her for an hour's meeting).

What we learned from this: attorney adoption is a private adoption and much less expensive than an agency. She cannot by law charge for matching (which can be $10,000). She has 20 years experience and has never once had a birth mother change her mind after the fact. She gets referrals from clinics, professors/teachers (she teaches law school), other attorneys, etc. The longest wait she had was 5 years which was a single woman and few birth mothers wanted to select her. The shortest wait was 6-9 weeks. Pretty much the adoptive family puts together a "life book" (you know, the "we swim with dolphins and here's the picture to prove it" stuff) and a Dear Birth Mother letter and when the attorney gets a client, the client looks at the book and letter and selects who she wants to adopt her baby. The client may meet with the adoptive parents or not. She may want to have an open adoption or not. Much of this is up for negotiation. It sounds like much of this is determined by the birth mother and is for her comfort level. The attorney is currently working with 5 birth mothers and never takes on more than 24 waiting adoptive families at a time. I think she has 18 or so. She also said that needs to feel comfortable with the adoptive family and can choose not to work with them. She also suggested we "advertise" with parentprofiles.com which can cost $99/month. If we were to find our own Birth Mother, the attorney could handle all of the same services as if she found the client. She relayed 2 stories ... one is how important the life book is. Apparently there was a client who was with her for about a year, but had not turned their book in to her and once they did it was within weeks a Birth Mother selected them. Why they didn't turn it in sooner, is beyond me. The other story is that the previous night to our call, she received a call from a Birth Mother who had given birth and decided to put her baby up for adoption and then selected a family through the attorney and that family was meeting the Birth Mother and baby that night and if it all went well the family might have taken the new baby home. That's crazy quick.

What I like about an attorney: her experience, her honesty, she's local, her 24/7 availability, she was referred by our therapist, and obviously it's a lower cost.

What I don't like about an attorney situation: my perceived (or real) lack of exposure she has to Birth Mothers which may make the wait longer and if there are unexpected costs like additional advertising expenses.

Another interesting thing I learned: with a private adoption, the attorney does not take custody of the baby. And by law, the adoptive family must wait at least 72 hours before taking custody of the baby. That is 3 days! Imagine being matched with a Birth Mom......waiting for the birth......and then 3 more days until you take them home. It sounds like the baby can stay at the hospital during those 3 days (how sad and lonely) or the baby goes home with a relative of the Birth Mom or the baby goes home with the Birth Mom (which is not recommended). Either way - 3 LONG days!!!

The next step in the process is to attend an adoption 101 class on February 18th. The attorney said it should be good information, but that the instructor has a bias against attorney/private adoption. It's all just more information for us to gather.